I want change

The rest of the day went as usual. I just wanted to go home as soon as possible and be done with this day. But first, 40 minutes of the slowest ride home has to go by before I am at home.

I am watching news and eating pasta for dinner. News is always the same, natural disaster in some part of the world, war in another, economic crisis everywhere. It is depressing watching the news nowadays. They don’t broadcast anything positive, it is always negative, wars, disasters, diseases, debts, etc.

I turn off the TV and decide to go for a jog. It is 8:45 pm and it is a bit chilly outside so I decide to put on long sweatpants and a jacket. I take my earphones and play some music to get me in the mood for running.

I take my usual route, 10 minutes through the park, then by a cemetery, then 15 minutes on a levee. I am trying to focus on running, but my mind keeps wandering so I stop and look at the river. At day, the river and surrounding trees look nice, but now it looks creepy. There are shadows everywhere around me, but I don’t feel creeped out. I enjoy it. I just watch at the water passing by for some time before I decide to run back home.

I took a shower and now I am getting ready for bed. At least trying to. I keep thinking about travelling to distant places, exploring new cultures, trying new cuisines. Doing anything that isn’t like my everyday routine.

I will try to meditate for a while, maybe that calms my mind. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Cambodia and Buddhist temples. Nope. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Trans-Siberian Railway and snowy mountain peaks. No. ‘Come on, Annie. Try and focus!’. Inhale. Exhale. Italy. ‘Ugh, I give up! This isn’t working. I will just get ready for bed and try to sleep’.

It is 2:30 am and I can’t sleep. Well, I slept, but I had so many dreams. And of course, they were all about travelling. I guess that is the only thing occupying my mind right now. I had a dream where I was exploring a lone island with sandy beaches and a lot of greenery, then I was on a mountain covered with snow, and then I was on a lake. It was beautiful. Simply breath-taking.

I understand I want to travel, but now is not the right time and place. This is my first job after graduating from college and I have only been working for the company for 5 months. Well, 5 months too long. Anyway, there are so many things that are more important now. I need to pay my rent, buy food, make a good impression at the company so I don’t get fired, then I will be in big problems. I also need to save up some money, maybe for a car or a better apartment. Also, I need to find a good college to get my master’s degree. That is all very important. I can’t just drop everything and leave who knows where. I wish I could. I can’t. then, there is this question of me maybe pursuing something more serious with writing. So many things to do and so many things to think about. Is it all even possible? I guess I will find out. I have to stay positive, right?

I have to focus on the important things now. I need to build a good foundation in my career. I just started it. But I want nothing more than to leave right now, at 2:36 am. I want nothing more than to buy a plane ticket and never return. At least, not for a while.

I want change.


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